joke de jour

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

RE: joke de jour

Nilky · Weird Blue

This Story is based on an event that happened to someone in real-life.
Because we dont say any names we call him Audie M.
well thats to obvious...
lets call him A. Martin

Jibblett · Sage

otherwise known to us all as Eeeeeek, not him! Hide!

Jibblett · Sage

Q: What goes, “[click] Is that it? [click] Is that it? [click] Is that it?”

A: A blind guy with a Rubik’s Cube.

Nilky · Weird Blue

very very nice one :D

Jibblett · Sage

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Jibblett · Sage

Native Son

On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher asks each student to count to 50. Some count as high as 30 or 40; others can’t get past 20. But Johnny counts up to 100 without any mistakes. When he tells his dad how well he did, his dad says, "That’s because you’re from Alabama, son."

The next day, the teacher asks the students to recite the alphabet. Most can only make it halfway through without trouble, but Johnny rattles off the letters perfectly. When he brags to his dad about how he did, his dad explains again, "That’s because you’re from Alabama, son."

The next day, after phys ed, the boys are taking showers, and Johnny notices that he is better endowed than anyone else. That night he boasts, "Dad, mine’s the biggest of anyone in my class. Is it because I’m from Alabama?"

"No, son," explains his dad. "That’s because you’re 22."

gydion · Senior Member

it is green and if you get it in youre eye your dead

a pool table

Jibblett · Sage

Bob and Doug, adrift in a lifeboat, see an old lamp floating in the sea. Bob starts rubbing the lamp, and a genie pops out and says she’ll grant them one wish. Without giving much thought to the matter, Bob blurts out, "Turn the ocean into beer!" Immediately the genie claps her hands and disappears in a puff of smoke, and the entire sea turns into brew. Only the gentle lapping of beer against the hull breaks the stillness.

Doug looks disgustedly at Bob and, after a long, tension-filled moment, shouts, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

Jibblett · Sage

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Jibblett · Sage

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.

The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

Jibblett · Sage

Brother John entered the'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.

"We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.

"You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.

"Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.

"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Jibblett · Sage

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

Jibblett · Sage

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”

The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”

Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.

The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”

Jibblett · Sage

After their 11th child, an redneck couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count …"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Jibblett · Sage

Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized.

She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond. As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, “I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?”

Jibblett · Sage

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there's nobody there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there's another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there's no one standing there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

Jibblett · Sage

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Jibblett · Sage

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Jibblett · Sage

A top aide to President Bush rushes into the oval office. "Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news."

President Bush asks to have the bad news first. The aide replies that at 1:00 A.M. in the morning space aliens landed in Washington D.C.

"What's the good news?" the president then asks.

The aide then says, "They know where Osama bin Laden is hiding … and they piss oil!"

Jibblett · Sage

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Funny Joke - Stupid Questions

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Nilky · Weird Blue

STARKSET wrote:

Funny Joke - Stupid Questions

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Jibbsu would you get a BullJibb?

Now thats for sure

Jibblett · Sage

I like that this phrase is now being used by everyone, makes me feel special

Jibblett · Sage

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

Nixy · Bad Web Mistress

rofl... nice

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

HOW I WAS BORN

A TWENTY CENTURY ANSWER

No longer cabbage patch babies and stories of storks with babies flying
through the air - the Technology age has arrived!!

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how Was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and me meeting at a cyber cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother Agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon
As I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall and since it was too
late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little
Pop-Up
appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

Nixy · Bad Web Mistress

roooooooooooofl

Jibblett · Sage

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, anywhere, any place… it doesn’t matter to me.”

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?

Jibblett · Sage

Four guys out golfing one afternoon start getting annoyed by a very slow group ahead of them. After another 15 minutes of waiting, they decide to play through. The first three tee off, and each nearly hits the slow group. Just as the fourth guy is teeing up, the course superintendent runs up, yelling, “Hey, give those guys a break—they’re blind!”

“We’re so sorry,” say the three guys.

The fourth guy angrily picks up his driver and whacks the ball right into one of the blind men’s carts.

“Screw ’em,” he says. “They could’ve played last night.