joke de jour

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

RE: joke de jour

Jibblett · Sage

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.

Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry.

Nixy · Bad Web Mistress

rofl!!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the **** house door off a tuna boat!"

Jibblett · Sage

What’s 40 feet long and smells like urine?

The conga line at a nursing home.

Jibblett · Sage

A class of first graders was finding it difficult to adjust to life beyond kindergarten. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted they not use baby talk. "You need to use big people words," she kept saying to the class.

One day, the teacher asked John what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my nana," he replied.

"No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use big people words," she replied.

Then she asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use big people words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and replied, "Winnie the $hit.

Nilky · Weird Blue

aweseome jibb

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in
Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a
peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the
horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that" Are you crazy??"

She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

Jibblett · Sage

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That’s no way to address an officer! Let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, sir!"

-- Edited by Jibblett at 08:26, 2006-08-28

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with big udders.

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

lol stark

Jibblett · Sage

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Nixy · Bad Web Mistress

hehe that could be my boss :P

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk.. sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work..

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Jibblett · Sage

A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks, “Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ‘Screw You’?”

The host, stunned, answers, “Of course I don’t have any green toilet paper that says, ‘Srew You.’”

“Oh, no!” the drunk cries. “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Hehe

Jibblett · Sage

“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

“Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.” The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

lol

Jibblett · Sage

A lady approaches her priest & tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“Well, what do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house & I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray & read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase & your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads & praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots & the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!

Jibblett · Sage

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.

“Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“

“Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?”

“Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…

Jibblett · Sage

what do you call the man who owns all the cows in Arabia?

The milk sheik

Jibblett · Sage

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because it felt crummy.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

What do you expect from simple creatures like men? Here's why men are just happier people:

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is "just too icky."

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional, well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts! for years...maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. And finally, you can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 23 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Jibblett · Sage

A mass walkout at a steel factory sparked massive concern yesterday. Workers left while the plant was still in opreation.
When asked why the workers had decided to take industrial action at such short notice a union representative said they had decided to strike while the iron was hot.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it develops:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

P.S. I just remembered.
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

-- Edited by STARKSET at 17:38, 2006-09-11

Jibblett · Sage

What did the grape say to the elephant when the elephant trod on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine

Jibblett · Sage

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.” Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says, “$101,237.64.”

The boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ’Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

i think thats the best joke ive ever heard!

Jibblett · Sage

You know that Owls never feel romantic when its raining?

its true.. during rain-storms they can be seen sitting round on branches saying
'too-wet-to-woo, too-wet-to-woo'