joke de jour

Jibblett · Sage

RE: joke de jour

Jibblett · Sage

Q: What's the definition of necrophilia?
A: The urge to crack open a cold one.

Jibblett · Sage

Jibblett · Sage

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married ...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.,
a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem concerned at all.

Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo
clock."

When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh Crap.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

LOL!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed,
kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Jibblett · Sage

Q: What’s the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?

A: You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Jibblett · Sage

After pulling over a speeding driver, a police officer continues with the usual
procedure, asking the driver for his license.

“I don’t have one,” the driver answers, “I had it suspended when I got my 5th
DUI.”
“May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?” the officer then asks.
“It’s not my car,” the driver responds, “I stole it.”
The confused officer then asks, “The car is stolen?”
“That’s right,” says the driver. “But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”

“You’re telling me there’s a gun in the glove box?” the officer says.

“Yes sir,” the driver continues. “That’s where I put it after I shot and killed
the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”

“There’s a body in the trunk?!?” the amazed officer asks.
Still straight faced, the driver answers, “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Numerous other cops
show up for back up and the captain slowly approaches the driver to handle this
tense situation.

The Captain then approaches, “Sir, can I see your license?”

“Here you go officer,” the driver says calmly as he hands him a legit ID.

“Who’s car is this?” the Captain asks.
“It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card,” the driver answers while handing
him a valid registration in his name.

“Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?” the
Captain continues.
“Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it,” the driver responds. Sure enough, there is
nothing in the glove box.

The Captain then asks, “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a
body in it.”
“No problem,” the driver says before opening the trunk, which is also empty.

“I don’t understand it,” the Captain says. “The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and a dead body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” the driver says. “And I’ll bet you the lying sonovabitch told you I was
speeding, too!”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

There once was a girl named Suzy Brown
Said no one could lay her down.
Over the hill came Piss Paul Pete,
With forty pounds of swinging meat.
He took her in the long tall grass,
Shoved his dick right up her ass.
Then she blew one gnarly fart,
Blew his balls two feet apart.
Over the hill went Piss Paul Pete,
With forty pounds of shredded meat.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look
at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He
immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Fancy dress party

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He
doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a
fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your
bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your
arse and go as a f---ing toffee apple.

Jibblett · Sage

Q: What do fat girls do in the summer?

A: Stink.

Jibblett · Sage

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

BP

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

lol...silly but..funny :P

Jibblett · Sage

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. What are these guys in the big suits doing? A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elders message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked...
"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday..
"I'd love to be eight again" she replied
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M& M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*cking useless ****t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled "You Can Be
The Man 0f House". He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with
me and we will have the kind of s*x I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and
towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet
and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for a good
night's sleep. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina !!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

The Birds and the Bees!!

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.

At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid.

Little Johnny?" "No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum."

Jibblett · Sage

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, Youre charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

You bastard! yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

Youre also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer, says the judge.

Bastard! the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.Sir, one more outburst and Ill charge you with contempt.

Im sorry, Your Honor, says the man. But Ive been this bastards neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didnt have one.

Jibblett · Sage

Mum tells kids to stop playing WOW and go to bed.. brilliant!!

http://www.break.com/index/mom-tells-kid-no-more-warcraft.html

Jibblett · Sage

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
' Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round. "The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night'

Jibblett · Sage

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

Looking at your résumé, I can see that youre more than qualified, says the interviewer. Unfortunately, we cant have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we cant hire you.

But wait, says the man. If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.

Then show me, replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

Its great you stopped winking, says the interviewer, but we cant have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.

What do you mean? asks the man. Im happily married.

How do you explain all the condoms? asks the interviewer.

Oh, that, sighs the man. Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?