Smile... It Confuses People

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

RE: joke de jour

Jibblett · Sage

clicky

Jibblett · Sage

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah ..
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50...
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

i like that :P

Jibblett · Sage

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'

She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!

Dodgar · Lightsaber Wielding Maniac

te he

Jibblett · Sage

Dave
was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about

"Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come
on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave

Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

" President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to

Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off
they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St.
Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the
balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope
came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said,
'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?

Ycal · Veteran Member

Manchester United footballer Christiano Ronaldo was a subject of transfer speculation last month when the Fulham chairman Mohammed Al-Fayad put in an offer for him. The offer was not to play football but to show his chauffeurs how to crash safely in a tunnel and walk away.

Ycal · Veteran Member

Visibility wasn't good the other day, when I got pulled over by a traffic cop doing 80mph.

He said, "What would you do if Mr Fog came down suddenly?"

"I would put MR FOOT on MR BRAKE", I replied.

"Let me start again, slowly", he said, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?

Ycal · Veteran Member

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win

Ycal · Veteran Member

When you have annoying people sitting next to you on buses , planes or trains, open your laptop close your eyes, look up, mutter to yourself, and Click This

zach · City Planner

not a joke, but funny:

http://failblog.wordpress.com/files/2008/07/fail-owned-history-fail.jpg

couldn't embed the image for some reason :(

~Z~

Jibblett · Sage

his beard was never ginger

Ycal · Veteran Member

Wales.

The only place you can get a great shag,

a delicious hotpot

and a smashing woolly jumper,

from the same animal.

Ackino · Member

Ycal wrote:
Wales.

The only place you can get a great shag,

a delicious hotpot

and a smashing woolly jumper,

from the same animal.

What about Kashyyyk?

-- Edited by Ackino on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 02:14:07 AM

Ycal · Veteran Member

Ackino wrote:

Ycal wrote:
Wales.

The only place you can get a great shag,

a delicious hotpot

and a smashing woolly jumper,

from the same animal.

What about Kashyyyk?

-- Edited by Ackino on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 02:14:07 AM

Must say, I've never tried Wookie hotpot

alastrina · Guild support

SCHOOL DAYS

A load of Drumchapel weans go on a bus trip to a safari park. One of them opened the emergency exit door and before you know it they are all running among the animals.

A warden runs up shouting ‘Oh My God, the lions!, the lions!.

Quick as a flash a wee boy turns round and say’s ‘Look mister, F***king shut it, we’re no gonna touch yer F***king Lions!

SCHOOL DAYS AGAIN

I can still remember play-time at school. A bit of footy, sneakin’ a quick cigarette & trying to finger the girls behind the bike shed.

I f***king loved that jannie’s job.

SPORTS

I was walking down the road the other day when I bumped into Mike Tyson. He had lost both arms in a motorcycle accident.

I remembered all the fights he had and how he was one of the greatest heavyweight boxers I had ever seen.

I was lost for words, what could I say, he had been my hero. I looked into his eyes and suddenly found the courage to say something…

‘Come on then you black C**nt, Let’s have it’

SPORTS AGAIN

The 2010 Caribbean surfing championship has been controversially won by a man from Haiti on a wardrobe door.

HOLIDAYS

Glasgow guy on holiday in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl with the saggiest t*ts and a f**ny like a vandalised bus seat.

The madam say’s ‘Are we feeling kinky tonight Sir?’

He replied ‘No, just F***king homesick’

IN DA PUB

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella.

Barman asks ‘what’s wrong with Stella?’

Bloke say’s ‘I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was F***king skint.’

Barman say’s ’12 pints of anything costs about the same.

Bloke replies ‘Skint is my dog.’

IN DA PUB AGAIN

A Polish bloke drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He say’s ‘In Poland our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice.’

A Pakistani, impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He say’s ‘In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses we don’t need to drink out of the same one either.’

The Scotsman not to be outdone, drinks his pint, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pump action shotgun and blasts the Pole and the paki and catches his glass intact. He say’s ‘In Britain we have that many Poles and Paki’s that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.’

FOOD

All the curry houses are doing charity meals for victims of the ‘quake.

1. Chicken bury auntie

2. Nan dead

3. Poppa gone

ENTERTAINMENT

Went to Heather Mill’s charity disco last weekend in aid of limbless women. The dance floor was crawling with F**ny

LOVE IS

Whenever a woman complains about giving a blow job, just remind her how easy it is to swallow a teaspoon of cream than it is to lick a dead fish.

COULD YOU BE A MUSLIM ?

Take this simple test and find out………..

Do you have more wives than teeth?
Do you own a $25,000 rocket but can’t afford shoes?
Do you cultivate Heroin but have a moral objection to beer?
Do you think vests come in two styles? – Bullet Proof and Suicide.
Do you scrape the **** off your sweaty arse with your bare hand but consider bacon unclean?

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE PLEASE DELETE ALL MY CONTACTS YA MANKY BA*****RD

Dodgar · Lightsaber Wielding Maniac

Right Alas set the bar so you can blame her for this one.
I tried to keep it to myself, but she just had to bring up Haiti didn't she

I am amazing at sex.
I was fu©#1ng a girl in Haiti and she said it was like the earth moved

Just kidding.

She didn't say anything.

She was dead.

Look whatyou made me go do, Alas....you should be ashamed of yourself.

-- Edited by Dodgar on Monday 8th of February 2010 11:51:23 PM

Altinor · Member

It's the first day back in school for the primary seven class after the summer holidays.

The english teacher asks the kids if they can tell her about what they did on their summer holidays but make it into a sentence using the word "fascinate"

Little Beth puts up her hand and says, "I went to my grandad's farm and found the work he does there fascinating"

"A very good sentence" the teacher replies, "but you said fascinating not fascinate, would anyone else like a try?"

Little Steven raises his hand and says "We went to the zoo and I was fascinated with the elephants"

"Another good sentence but again not the word I'm looking for" says the teacher.

John at the back of the class suddenly says "My auntie Mary bought a new blouse in the sales with ten buttons, but her tits were so big she could only fasten eight". biggrin

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

i didnt think alas could set the bar so low :P

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.

When he gets home its there!

Next Day he Drives 50 Miles and dumps it.

When he gets home its there again!

So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.

Six hours later he rings his wife and asks "is the cat home?" "Yes, why?" asks his wife. "Put the C**t on" he says, "I'm F**king Lost."

Jibblett · Sage

Football one...

Wayne Bridge buys his girlfriend a box of Cadbury's chocolates but she tells him she doesnt like them, she prefers terrys.

alastrina · Guild support

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque ............

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
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Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care ........

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
================================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.
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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind.........

so - Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him - "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

Quality Alas :P

Montsalvat · KS loudmouth

7 Reasons why England must not win the Soccer World Cup:

-- Edited by Montsalvat on Wednesday 23rd of June 2010 05:01:20 PM

alastrina · Guild support

didn't know where else to put this got it of a English friend of mine,

This is interesting!

Let me see if I understand all this .........

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.

Are you aware of the following?

The British Government provides the following financial assistance: -

BENEFIT
BRITISH AGED PENSIONER
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN

Weekly allowance
£100                            / £250

Weekly Spouse allowance
£25                            /   £225

Additional weekly hardship allowance
£0;00                          / £100

TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT
£6,000                                  /    £29,900

-- Edited by alastrina on Wednesday 23rd of June 2010 05:22:07 PM

-- Edited by alastrina on Wednesday 23rd of June 2010 05:22:24 PM

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

Annoyingly true :P

Montsalvat · KS loudmouth

Let's go to England then, Alas :P

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

that before or after we beat you in the fooball then monty? :P

Montsalvat · KS loudmouth

I'd say let's wait till sunday. :P