joke de jour

Jibblett · Sage

RE: joke de jour

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

lol

hey im an engineer! :D :p most of it is true.... lol :D

Jibblett · Sage

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I just knew it!! I'm not going!"

Nixy · Bad Web Mistress

ROFL

Jibblett · Sage

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the
first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered
in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He
says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?" And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies,
Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the Door
to
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa
wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow,
Great outfit, what emotion have you Come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled
pink." The
Host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, the
host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Murphy,
standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the
other with his
Knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what
The heck are you doing? You could get arrested standing out there in the
street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Murphy here has just
come in dispair."

Jibblett · Sage

How did the math professor get rid of his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Jibblett · Sage

A man arrives home from work at the usual time of 5 p.m. His wife immediately begins yelling at him for no reason.

After two hours of her complaining, he turns to her and says, “Honey, why don’t I go outside, pretend I just came home, and we can start over again.”

“Fine,” she agrees. “That might help.”

The husband goes outside, then comes back in and announces, “Honey, I’m home!”

“Where the hell have you been?” she yells back. “It’s after seven!”

Jibblett · Sage

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

lol dirty jibb :P

Jibblett · Sage

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?”

The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?”

Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.”

And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!”

With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

Nixy · Bad Web Mistress

ROFL

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

lol stark :P

Jibblett · Sage

Three men were out on a fishing trip, having spent the morning relaxing with a bit if fishing they decided to take a lunch break.
After lunch one man reached into his pocket, drew out a packet of ciggarettes, opend it and swore loudly.
Whats wrong? asked his friends
Well, I've got 4 ciggarettes left, but no matches, so we cant have a smoke.
Easily solved, said his mate, who reached over, took the packet, removed one ciggarette and threw it overboard.
What the hell did you do that for? yelled the 1st man?
Well, I've just made the boat a ciggarette lighter, problem solved!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Sex in the Dark...
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Jibblett · Sage

An eight-year-old boy walks home from school each day past an eight-year-old girl’s house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, “See this football? Football is a boy’s game, and only boys can have a football!” The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, “I want a football!” Being a woman of the 90’s, her mother runs out and gets her one.

The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football and taunts, “Nah Na Nah Nah.” The little boy angrily points to his bike and says “Oh yeah, well this is a boy’s bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!”

She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says “Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!”

The next day he walks by and asks her, “Well, I guess I showed you!” to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims “My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.

"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

-- Edited by STARKSET at 13:32, 2006-09-30

Jibblett · Sage

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.

Jibblett · Sage

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Jibblett · Sage

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

Jibblett · Sage

A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, “Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up.”

The husband thinks for a second and replies, “At least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Jibblett · Sage

Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”

The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”

The last man said, "I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

Jibblett · Sage

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?

Nilky · Weird Blue

a bear is hunting a rabbit walking thru the forest....

A fairy shoes up...

"you bear and Rabitt, you have seen the holy fairy, no u have 3 wishes"

The bear Starts up with his wishes...

1. All male bear in the forest become female bears *shwing wish comes true*

2. All male bear in the WORDL become female bears *shwing wish comes true*

3. ANy my lst hmmm all these female bears adore me *shwing wish comes true*

Ok sais the fairy... now u rabbit.

Ok sais the rabbitt. and starts up

1. I wish to have a helm on . "you sure?" asked the fairy... "yes i am sais the rabbit" *shwing wish comes true*

2. I wish to have a motorcycle "you really sure? only one wish left then" said the fairy. "yes i am" said the rabbitt.

"now your last wish rabbit decide wisely what you want to do with it"

"will do sais the rabbit"

I Wish the bear was gay *shwing wish comes true*

*and the rabbitt absconded with his brand new motorcycle*

Nixy · Bad Web Mistress

haha

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "****."

Nilky · Weird Blue

great one...