joke de jour

Jibblett · Sage

RE: joke de jour

Jibblett · Sage

an oldie..............

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

British Humor

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was beside a
well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had her poodle sitting on it.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put
this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you
Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A PERFECT DIET!

I have a Labrador retriever.

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Jibblett · Sage

A man walks into a bar and notices a miniature man sitting on a table playing a miniature piano. He’s fascinated and asks the bartender, “How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?” The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish.” “And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?” “Well, not exactly.”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!' "

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business

Hmm I know i've seen this one somewhere before if it was here im sorry for posting it twice!!

Jibblett · Sage

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard. While cruising along, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought for sure she’d seen the light turn red, but said nothing, for fear that she was imagining things.

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection in which the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light was red. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and the two went right through it. Finally, the passenger turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us.”

Mildred turned to her and replied, “Oh, ****! Am I driving?”

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Jibblett · Sage

Q: What’s the difference between dogs and foxes?

A: About four beers.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

True story of the three bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once..

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Blonde Joke

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the after life.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,
"Phyllis, Phyllis" "Is that you, Dave?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex.
I bathe in the sun,and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Dave you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

She was SOOOOOO Blonde...

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the Army.
* Whe thought Meow Mis was a CD for cats.
* She thoutht Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says
"Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She was SOOOOOO Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked on Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.

She was SOOOOOO Blonde...

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because
It said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."
* She tried for hours to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.

She was SOOOOOO Blonde...
* She missed bus #44, so she then took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,
"Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She was.... Ahhhh you know the line...
* She thought that she soul not use her AM radio in the evening.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIR". She thought it stood for
"This Goes In Front".
AND
She Was Soooo Blonde
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided
after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right
note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair
of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself
at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new
girlfriend with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are
easier
to remove, These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and
they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, in fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing
them.
I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they
will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my
lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me
on Friday night.

All my love,

Ron.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur
showing.

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

There was an Englishman, Irishman and American sitting on top of the Empire State Building they had been drinking heavily most of the day long and where sharing some more drinks and laugh's up there, after a few more beers the American said "When you have been drinking you can jump of here fly around the building three times then float back up to the top and no harm will come to you".

The Irishman scoffed at this so the American preceded to prove his point he jumped of the building flew around it three times then floated back to the other's with no harm. The Irishman stunned and shocked decided to try it out himself he jumped off the building and plummeted to his death!!

The Englishman turned to the American and said "Superman you can be a real git when your drunk"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

How do you get 200 cow's into a hall

put up a bingo sign

Jibblett · Sage

lol, so true

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet he can talk to, so he goes to the pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, since you asked, I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "You really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course, I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer." The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asked the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down....?" The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

There was this teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of animals, she showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was. Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, ''It has a long neck.'' One kid answered, "Giraffe!" Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of a zebra. Nobody answered it again, so she gave them a clue. ''This animal has stripes.'' "Zebra!" one kid answered. So she put up another one, that of a deer. The teacher could not think of a clue..but suddenly she came up with one!..she asked them ''what does your mother call your father?'' Suddenly one child got up and answered ''HORNY BASTARD!''

Jibblett · Sage

A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!”

“You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds.

“Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father.”

“I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!”

Jibblett · Sage

Postmen Have All the Luck

On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.

“Jeez,” says the mailman, “this is great, but what’s with the two dollars?”

“Well,” she replies, “since you’re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ‘F**k him—give him a couple of bucks.’ Breakfast was my idea.

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

lol. maybe im in the wrong job :P

Jibblett · Sage

A group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive!”

Jibblett · Sage

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw, and the deputy yelled back, “Just three gunnysacks.”

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, “Bow-wow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, “Meow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all so he kicked it again.

Finally the blonde said, “Potatoes.”

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"