joke de jour

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

RE: joke de jour

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . .

Priceless

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into
his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."

Jibblett · Sage

A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing. This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem. he says. The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.

The second archeologist shakes his head. Hebrew is read from right to left, he explains. It says, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A couple had only been married for two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries, Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses. "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres, chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP **** HEAD! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRIGGIN HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR! THAT **** 'S OVER WITH! GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Jibblett · Sage

A blonde was given an opportunity to fly for the first time. Having never been on an airplane before, she was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat, and shouting, Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!! Bo...

She caused such a ruckus the pilot, all the way up in the ****pit, overheard. Annoyed by the goings-on, the pilot came out and shouted, Be silent!

There was pin-drop silence throughout the cabin as everybody looked at the blonde and the angry pilot.

The blonde stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, resumed shouting, OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....

Jibblett · Sage

Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the
forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow
toad, "Why are you crying, my friend?"

The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm
yellow.I want to be green like all my friends... sniff, sniff."

The Good Witch replied, "No problem!"

And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the
little yellow toad turned green... all except his private parts, which
remained yellow.

"Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go through life all
green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"

The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You
will have to go see the Wizard!"

So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.

The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a
little brown squirrel crying very hard.

"Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch
asked.

"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are
red
and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff."

"No problem!" said the Good Witch.

And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red...
all
except his private parts, which remained brown.

"Oh, no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through
life
all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all
over!"

But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You
will have to go see the Wizard!"

But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm
new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find
him??"

And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the
yellow dick toad...."

audiem · Wielder of the sunglasses

thats awful :P lol

Nilky · Weird Blue

i dont get jibb's one....

zach · City Planner

it's "funny" 'cos it's so long, with such a poor punchline - a play on words from the "Yellow Brick Road" that Dorothy follows to find the Wizard in the film "The Wizard of Oz"

...and 'cos it talks about private parts, and has the word 'dick' in it, which would make people s******!

Jibblett · Sage

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

lol I like that one

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi
with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen,
where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was
already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when
suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

Jibblett · Sage

OK, here's a long one, but it's totally worth it!

One stormy night, a pilot in a single seater plane gets hit by lightening and the plane crashes in farm land in the middle of no where. The pilot isn't hurt too much, and in the pouring rain gets to the small farm house.

The farmer explains there isn't much room farm house, but there was room in the barn, it was dry, it was warm, there was hay and he could stay there till the very heavy storm passed.

The farmer took him into the barn and showed him where he could sleep.

'If your feeling a little horny in the night', says the farmer, 'there are three holes in the wall over there...just pop your pecker in one of them and it's very satisfying.'

'Cool', say the pilot.

'BUT!', says the farmer, 'Do not use the third one!'

'OK', says the pilot, 'First two, but not the third one...got it!'

So, the pilot is all all alone, deep into the night, and he's a bit horny, so he pops his pecker into the first hole.

The next morning, the farmer comes in with a bit of breakfast and explains that the storm should be over in a day or so, and he can take the pilot to the nearest telephone and call for help.

'Did you use a hole?', asks the farmer.

'Yeah', says the pilot, 'I used the first, it was really good, thanks.'

'No problems', says the farmer, 'help your self, just do not use that third one!'

The next night, the pilot is feeling horny again, so he uses the second hole.

The next morning, the farmer brings in some more breakfast, and explains the storm should be past be tomorrow and he can head home.

'Did you use a hole again?'

'Yeah', say the pilot, 'the second one...it was really good, better than the third one!'

'Again, no problems, just do not use that third one!'

So, again, the pilot is feeling horny and thinks, that since it's his last night...he'll have a go at that third hole!!!

The next morning, the farmer comes in to find the pilot flat on his back, legs apart and a huge, throbbing red nob!

'You used the third hole, didn't you?', asks the farmer, slightly annoyed.

'Yeah!', says the pilot painfully, 'What the hell was it???'

'It's the milking machine...it doesn't stop till it's got ten pints!'

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The
old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
cheque". I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Jibblett · Sage

not a joke.. but funny nonetheless

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7024124.stm

-- Edited by Jibblett at 08:53, 2007-10-03

Jibblett · Sage

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the ****pit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the ****pit, the pilots high-five.

You know, says one pilot to the other, one day theyre gonna scream too late, and were all gonna die.

Jibblett · Sage

best company name ever.. just got this mail at work

Ladies & Gentlemen
Please circulate this notice to all your staff.

Schindler Lifts attended site to rectify fault on Core 3 lift. In the process of carrying out these works they found that the shaft bearings on the lift motor are in urgent need of replacement. The works will start on Tuesday 09/10/2007 with the motor removed and taken away for repair and returned Friday 12/10/2007 to be re-installed and the lift put back in service.

We apologise for any inconvenience caused

Regards

Nilky · Weird Blue

Wow Schinlder Lifts....
bet they are made in an iron factory by Jew employees

Jibblett · Sage

meaning no offense to anyone, it just made me chuckle

Nilky · Weird Blue

lol great

Jibblett · Sage

Nice exhaust

Jibblett · Sage

not a joke per se, but I am laughing atm.. dunno why

My team has jut been 'sold' to another company
good or bad thing, you tell me

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

Mmmmm not sure if thats funny could be bad but then also may end up being good /sigh

Jibblett · Sage

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, rec ycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England '

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France '

Jibblett · Sage

dont swallow chewing gum

Jibblett · Sage

STARKSET · Starky's cool name when he comes up with one

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic !

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from
his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long'! She
said in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened,
I'm really stumped'

'She's running around in circles', according to a close friend,
'she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its
easy to walk out on a relationship like this'

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called
her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. 'She's terrible' a source stated, 'always trying to
get her leg over'.

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. 'Macca couldn't handle it anymore' a friend said, 'he would get
home at night and find her legless'

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
'I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?' His mate says 'try
Paul McCartney'

>Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

We lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she
has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill
her shoe